How to Make a Grown Man Cry

When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.
- Marcus Aurelius

Im begining to think that everytime something good happens in my life...there is something else waiting around the corner to make me sad again.

We went to UC Davis for Chemo treatments on Friday the 8th. I had been waiting patiently (not really all that patiently) for her lab results to find out if the treatments were working and that Kenzie was in Remission. Ive had dreams about it nearly every night when i was finally able to sleep. And in my dreams, she was happy and healthy and Leukemia free.
We got the results we were hoping for. It wont be an absolute positivity until we do a bone marrow draw in two weeks, but atleast they couldnt see any Leukemia in her blood draw or from the lumbar puncture.

For the first time in nearly two weeks, i let out a sigh of relief and felt "happy". Im so proud of my little girl for being such a fighter. And in all honesty, if you never met McKenzie, you might not think shes sick at all. Shes pale, but hey its winter...were all a little light skinned these months. Shes got chubby cheeks and a little belly for the first time since she was born (thanks to the steroids and her uncontrolable appetite these days). She lacks energy and doesnt really want to get out of bed, but people would probably just think she had a cold. Hell even i have a hard time believing shes got this horrible disease running through her veins.

That is....until Saturday afternoon.

McKenzie used to love taking baths. She would play in the water until her whole body looked as wrinkled as a 90 yr old woman. It didnt matter if the water was cold. She would play and play until being forced to get out.
Since the Leukemia reared its ugly face, that has all changed. She hates it now. I dont know if its just because shes afraid of her bandages falling off, or if she doesnt want to get her port wet, or the fact that most days she doesnt want to get out of bed for any reason at all. She just hates it. She'll cry and tell me she just doesnt want to take a bath and tell me her feeties dont smell bad. But i had to give her one on Saturday (her feeties DID smell that bad).

I got her water ready. Not to hot. Not to cold. I put her in the bath and washed her like i always do. We giggled that her belly button was starting to stick out a little bit since her belly is growing. And i scrubbed those little feet until i knew they were smell free. It was all going ok.

Then it was time to wash her hair. Her long beautiful hair. I started with her shampoo. Lathered it up in my palms and ran my hands through her curls. Its always kind of fun to clean her hair because when the shampoo is on her head, you get to see how long her hair really is. We rinsed her head off. Me telling her "head back" as i always do. With my hands still a little soapy, i grabbed the conditioner and put a dime sized drop onto my hands. I ran my hands through her hair once again to make it silky smooth. Same routine we've done so many times.

Then i heard... "Daddy whats wrong"?

Im not really sure how much time had passed between me rinsing her hair and her asking me that question. I was just frozen. With tears streaming down my face. Staring at the beautiful strands of hair that were intangled in my fingers. No longer attached to her head. But wrapped around my fingers like a spider web.

Of course i wiped the tears from my face and told her everything was perfect. That i was just crying because of how absolutly beautiful she looked. But inside, my heart was throbbing. Ive been holding onto the hopes that she wouldnt lose her hair. That she could keep the thing that made her feel comfortable while this disease was hurting all of her body. And now those hopes were being sucked down the drain of the bathtub.

Brushing her hair was just as hard. As a guy that chooses to shave his head, im not that great at doing her hair. I can do pony tails, buns, and the occasional braid if im feeling confident that day. But that confidence is gone now. Im terrified that the more i brush, the more that comes out. And it does. Even putting her hair into a quick ponytail left strands all over my hands.

So just when i think everything is going right and im floating on cloud 9... I get knocked back down to earth and realize this is far from over. The tears are far from drying up. And my princess is far from giving up.

The hardest part of this whole thing for me is knowing i cant do something ive done for the past three years. I cant just kiss the boo-boo and make it all better. But what i can, and will do, is kiss her everyday. And that my friends...will make both of us all better.

I love you McKenzie Rose.

Home is where the Heart is

You hear the expression alot, "Home is where the Heart is". But for my family it has become so true.

UC Davis was great to us and im glad we decided to go there. Im just so happy we are finally out of there and back to what were familiar with. Our home. Our town. Our friends. That expression has a whole new meaning for us. Its not just our house. Its South Lake Tahoe...and everyone in it. Its our work...and co workers. And its our bed...and dogs we've missedso much.

It felt weird driving away from Sacramento. A place we had to call home for 2 weeks. A place were good news and bad news came from every angle. And a place where we were treated like family while we were there. Unfortunatly we will be back way to soon. Every week for the next 9 months. But its for a good reason...to help McKenzie stay on the path to 0%. 0% of Leukemia and 100% of being a kid again.

Theres no greater feeling than driving over Echo Summit and seeing the Lake open up. Seeing the airport in the distance. And trading green grass for white snow. Locals are probably the only ones that get that tingle in your heart when you see it. Wether you've been gone for 1 day or 2 weeks.....theres nothing quite like it.

Its a little scary being this far away from the hospital. Theres so many things that could go wrong and so many things we have to be careful of. If she gets a fever, we have to rush to the hospital. If she gets a cold, its to the hospital we go. If one of US gets sick, we have to keep our distance from her. And we've had to put a bottle of hand sanitizer in every room of the house.

But atleast were here. Home. In Kenzies comfort zone. Not being woken up by doctors and nurses every half hour. Close to all the people we love. And close to where our heart is.

Kenzies Lab Results:
As of Friday...
Red Blood cells - 10.4
White Blood Cells - 1.0
Platlets - 40
Leukemia Cells - 3%

She had Chemo on Thursday and another Spinal Tap on friday. We wont get Lab results back until next Friday... So hopefully because she had Chemo again, we will get to the 0%.
Thank you for all the continued support and prayers.

Until next time. We love you all.

The story of How:

Ive been asked a few times how we figured out that Kenzie had Leukemia. So i thought id light the campfire, get the marshmellows out, and tell yall the story of How.

McKenzie has always been a very picky eater. Her favorite food by far is Chicken Nuggets. And on most nights it didnt matter if i had made the best steak in the world... She would want Chicken Nuggies instead.
But over the week leading up to all this, she hadnt really had an appetite. She would maybe take a couple bites of dinner on her own before id eventually have to force her to eat more. So it was a little strange, but not a complete red flag yet.

As the week progressed, she started to lose the color in her face a little and wasnt as happy as she usually is.
Side Note: McKenzie is definitely my child. I know this because i am by no means a morning person. If Meeks would let me start at 10am, id be a happy guy.
Kenzie hates mornings. She hates to wake up, hates getting dressed, and trys to hide under the covers. We literally have to turn on all the lights and tickle her to get her awake. And then once she is awake, she doesnt want anyone to talk to her for atleast an hour. Debbie (her daycare owner) can atest to that.
So back to the story: usually after an hour or so at daycare she would be bouncing off the walls and running around with her friends Isabella and Tyler. But Debbie told us she wasnt like that on Wed. She was just kind of lathargic. Every kid has there off days just like adults. So again, no major red flags.

Kenz started Dance class at Mrs. Marcias Shinning Stars this year and absolutly loves it. Dance runs in the family (my mom and sister Jessica own a dance studio in Michigan; my sister Jenny was in dance back when they called it pom pons and was also on the Michigan State Motion Dance team in college; Jessica also danced for the Detroit Pistons and was a stage Dancer for Boys II Men at a Detroit Lions Thanksgiving game; my sister Julia has won every award imaginable in competitions and is by far the best dancer of the family; my sister Amanda crushed it at every reciteal i saw her in; and even yours truley took dance as a little lad (and i can still do a mean toe touch)) so she jumped into it head first and never looked back. She likes it so much that she made me start taking her 2 days a week instead of 1 day every week like at the begining of the year. So on Wednesday when we took her to dance and she didnt want to dance, it concerned us. I thought she was maybe just getting tired of dance at first, but then we started peicing it all together.
We thought we'd give her one more day to see if she just in a funk, or if it got worse.
Thursday we woke up and she was even more pale. Same story at daycare...no energy. Then at home she was in "I want Daddy" mode. So we agreed that she needed to go to the doctor on Friday.

Misty took her in at 1:30 on Friday to see Doctor Brooks Martin at Tahoe Family. He thought that she was just Anemic and told Mit she might need a blood transfusion. So i met them at the Barton E.R.
They drew some blood and checked her vitals. At that point we were terrified that she might have to have a transfusion...but we thought that was the worst of it. When the doctor came into the room, he instantly did a double take when looking at Kenzie. He sat down and asked us when we first noticed she was pale. Then he said something ill never forget. "I'm going to tell you that i dont believe she is just Anemic. Were sending her blood off to the labs to have some tests run. And were going to be checking her for Leukemia. We should have the results back in an hour or so, and i will come back and let you know".

I kept thinking to myself, theres no way she has that. Hes just telling us the worst case scenario. Shes gonna be fine. This doesnt happen to my family.

The Doc came back into the room 15 minutes later and sat down. I was screaming inside my brain "Dont you dare tell me she has it. Dont you dare lie to me and tell me my baby has THAT"!
He told us he didnt have to wait for the results to come back. He was 99% sure she had Leukemia because of how low her Red blood cells were and how high her White cells were.

I wanted to throw up. Throw up my heart because it was stuck in my throat. I didnt want to believe what he said. I wanted to wait for the results and for that doctor to come apologize and tell us he was wrong and was sorry. But that didnt happen. The results came back. He was right. The ambulance was on its way to take her down to UC Davis to start treatment.

The rest of that night was pretty much a blur. I went and got some clothes for All of us and fed the dogs. I called my parents and my sister Jen and cried over and over again. By the end of the night my eyes hurt and i was dehydrated from crying so much.

Misty and Kenz rode down to UC Davis in the ambulance. I drove the truck down right after the ambulance pulled away from the hospital. I have no idea how long it took me to drive down, what music was playing, or who i talked to on the phone. Alls i could picture was my pale babys face, and the word Cancer floating around in my brain. By the time i got to UC Davis, they were already in the room and had the IV going. The last thing i can recall from that night was kissing McKenzie on her forehead and passing out from complete exhaustion.

A few days later i created this blog your reading today at my sister Jen's request. And that brings us to right now.

So thats the story of How. Doctors still cant pinpoint what the exact cause of A.L.L. is. And at this point it doesnt really matter to me. What matters is my daughter is beating this nightmare, and soon we will all wake up and this horrible dream will be over with.

P.S. Kenz had chemo again today. Took it like a champ. Labs came back and her Red Blood is at 10.4
White Blood is at 1.0
And platlets at 40.
No results from Leukemia % until tomorrow morning. So i will post it when i get it. Hopefully it will be a big fat zero and we can all shed tears of joy.

Until next time..... I love you all.

Who would have thunk it?

Today... Wednesday the 30th... We were set free. Free from hospital beds and a tiny fold out chair bed. Free from being woken up by nurses and doctors every 1/2 hour. And free from the constant reminder that my daughter is sick.

The Doctors came in this morning to let us know that Kenzies lab results were back and that because she was doing so good, we were being discharged from the hospital. Her Red Blood count held strong at 10.4 and her Platlets went down just a little bit to 40 which still isnt to bad. But its the last number i care about the most. Her Leukemia levels went down to 3%! And just like i said from the begining of this blog.... My daughter is battling and beating this "C" word.

We still havent left Sacramento because we have Chemo tomorrow and a Spinal tap on friday. So there was really no point to us driving all the way back to Tahoe just to have to come right back. But atleast we are not in that hospital room anymore. My baby can lay next to me on a normal bed. And maybe...just maybe...we can get a full nights rest.

It took a good 2 hours to pack up everything from the hospital room and transfer it to the hotel room. With the amount of presents Kenzie recieved over these last 12 days, we barely have enough room for us in the car. So thank you to everyone who sent us stuff.

Greg, Chantel, Borja and Mason...thank you for your letter and pictures. Kenzie has had them hanging on her wall ever since. And with the comments on the blog as well as the letter you wrote (i can tell a lefty wrote it lol) it really boosted my spirits this past week.
We also got tons of pictures from Kenzies daycare, an awesome Frog stuffed animal from Haylee (one of kenzies daycare buddies), coloring stuff from Debbie and Mistys parents, and cards from family members and friends.
One of Kenzies favorite gifts she got was from my Dad and Liz. There these cute puppy slippers that are the most comfortable things kenzie has put on her feet. She hasnt taken them off since. And my Dad also sent Kenz some Dora and Spongebob DVD's which has helped keep her distracted from all the doctors and nurses bugging her. Dad and Liz...thank you so much for everything. The box you guys sent has been utilized more than i could express through words. And Dad... Thank you so much for sending me money for a head shaver. I was going insane from not being able to shave. Seriously. And people were starting to think i was a sacramento bum trying to sneak into the hospital or something. So Thank you all again for everything you've done for all of us.

Id also like to mention something i dont know a whole lot about at the moment, but hope to find out soon. All that i do know is that my co workers Jimmy G and Denise are putting together a fund raiser for Kenzie at the American Legion in South Lake Tahoe on March 1st. Ive heard (cannot confirm yet) that Lira's Supermarket has offered to donate food, American Legion to donate a portion of drink sales and the $5 entrance fee, and Meeks Lumber to donate Tools or something for the silent auction that is to be held there. Anyone that would like to be involved or has questions about it can contact Jimmy G at 530-544-6335 or Denise Alarcon at 530-577-0550. I cant thank you guys enough for putting this thing together. You and the people donating on my daughters behalf are why we live in this town. We love you guys with all our heart and cant tell you how much this will really help us. Its one less stress that i have to have. So thank you.

And all the messages from people in New Baltimore, Lake Tahoe, Michigan, Vermont, and all over the world...i love you guys. You've helped me through this. All of you. Im blessed to have all of you in my life.

Im not sure why i got all sentimental on this post tonight. Maybe its because i feel a huge relief after seeing my daughter playing in the hotel room tonight and laying next to her in bed as we speak. But either way, i needed to say it.

Lake Tahoe...were coming home in 2 days. Cant wait to see you.

Until next time, we love you all.

What is the strongest Rock in the world?

Its been a few days since my last post. Im sorry for not updating this blog sooner but we've had alot going on these past few days.

First of all i still had my mom here with us. Unfortunatly for me, i had to take her to the airport on Monday morning. Theres really no words that could express how much i appreciated her being her by our side. Not only for Kenz, but for Mit and myself. There were lots of tears when she left. And now MY crutch is back on the otherside of the States. Mom thank you for everything you did while here, and also over the phone from Carolina. You helped us keep our sanity and gave someone besides us for kenzie to get aggrevated with lol. I love you.

Sorry. Had to get that out of the way first. So as im walking around this huge campus of UC Davis, i was playing with my iphone. I like to ask Siri (iphones lil helper for all you droid people) weird questions to see what kind of answer she will give. But one popped in my head that i had to ask. "What is the strongest Rock in the world". Her answer.... Diamond.
I sat there for a minute and thought real hard. It made sense. I know ive heard it before in the past. But i did some research to see if what Siri had told me was in fact the truth. What just about every website said was that Diamond was the strongest rock/precious gem in the world because of how its atoms are arranged and so densely packed, but... It could be easily broken acrossed certain crystal planes.
So Siri did in fact lie to me. I may just have to write Apple an email and tell them to fix this Siri glitch. The reason i know this is because i know my daughter...my 3 yr old champion...is the strongest rock in the universe. Her atoms are arranged so densely that its able to form her shape. And she is by far the most precious gem this world has ever seen. And to add the exclamation point, she has no crystal planes where she could be easily broken. There is no substance this earth can throw at her to make her break. So, now known for a fact, McKenzie Eckman is the strongest Rock in the world.

Heres the much anticipated lab results from yesterday:
Red Blood Cells: 10.4 (up from 5.1)
Platlets: 68 (up from 8)
And the most important....
Leukemia Cells: 6% (down from 22%)

Not only is her body getting rid of the Leukemia amazingly fast, but shes also producing and keeping her Red Blood cells and Platlets.

I didnt post this info yesterday because i was afraid to jinx it. But 2 straight days of the same results has me feeling pretty damn good. This doesnt mean were in the clear by any means. We still have to send this into remission within 21 days. But atleast we know her getting sick after Chemo isnt just for nothing.

Im going to also attach a few photos to this post. We had a few unexpected things happen today that i would like to share with the rest of the class. First thing is that she is hose and buggy (get it?) free! They discontinued her IV that they had running into her Port/Post. No more fluid running to her 24 hours a day. No more dragging that damn rolling bag hanger/computer station/vitals sensor/pain in the butt thing around behind her. Shes finally able to roam free without looking like the bionic woman.

And with that....she was able to go outside for the first time in 12 days! She had to wear a mask, and we had to obviously keep a even closer eye than normal on her since shes super suseptable to infections and viruses. But she actually got to feel like a kid again. She got to breathe fresh air and rub her toes in the grass. It made all of us so happy.

Again this is all far from over and by no means are we even close to being in the clear....but today was a giant leap in the right direction.

On another note: we've had some more amazing nurses. I cant remember if i wrote about her already but our punk rock Nurse Danielle and our night Nurse Angela were great to have around. Also Nurses Jana and Carrie have been so helpful throughout all of this. Danielle you need to come back to work. I think Kenzie is missing you the most because shes used to her mom having that punk rock style, face piercings, and wacky hair styles.
I requested Nurse Angela twice now because shes amazingly sweet and caring. I dont think she liked me at first, but hey, i tend to grow on ya. And she was always checking up on Kenz and has come over to say hi to her on times where she wasnt our Nurse.

Lastly i have to give another kudos to Nurse Laurie and our Primary Nurse Kim.
They honestly feel like a part of the family now. I know they are not supposed to get attached to patients but i think we've become more attached to them than anything. If i could give each of them an award, id give Laurie the "Above and Beyond" award. I had a situation going on outside of all the Leukemia stuff with Kenzie, and Laurie did everything she possibly could to help. Making phone calls, talking to doctors, and just doing things some peoples own family wouldnt do. And most important, McKenzie loves her. They do this cool thing with each other where they make a heart using there fingers whenever they see each other
The one id give to Kim is the "Honarary Eckman for Life" award. We genuinly care deeply for Kim. Shes amazing. Through all of this she has been nothing but fantastic. She was off for a few days and when she returned, she got stuck with the toughest task of having to change the tape and bandages around kenzies port. Think of having to rip a adult hand sized bandaid off a 3 yr olds chest. Kim did it while giving my little girl the slighest amount of pain possible. Theres no other person (besides maybe Laurie) i would have trusted to do that. And after it was done, Kim told kenzie she had another prize for her for being so tough. She came back in with the exact same Frog flashlight that Kenzie was admiring of Kims a few days before. Kenz actually stole it from Kim the first night we were here. And it wasnt like she just happened to have another one lying around. She went out of her way to go buy one for Kenz on her day off. Who does that?? We couldnt have done this without you ladies. I cant stress that enough. The only thing else i could ever ask of you two is to please keep in touch with us. You will forever hold a place in our hearts.

So thats all for tonight. Time for bed. We have the fun day of changing Kenzies needle that goes into her Port tomorrow, then Chemo again on Thursday or Friday. Theres a small chance we can finally go home Friday. So thats what were keeping our fingers crossed for. Until next time....love you all.

No good news on Sunday

We've been getting good news back from her blood tests the past few days. But today put an end to those. Sort of.

The Chemo is doing its job. And its also making Kenzie not feel good at all. She is getting another stronger Chemo treatment today that lasts 2 hours (the first treatment the other day was only 15 minutes).

Because Chemo cant tell which cells are bad and which ones are good... It just kills them all. Thats why patients lose there hair and there mouths turn white. But with that, her red blood cells and platlets are dying off as well as the Leukemia cells.

So as of 6am this morning, her Leukemia was at 18% which is really good. On Surgery day her Leukemia was at 26%. So thats been pretty much the only good thing to happen thus far.

Her red blood cells have been steadily dropping. It got as high as 10.4 but dropped to 7.1 yesterday, and then dropped again this morning to 5.1 Then her platlets got as high as 86, then dropped to 51, 28, and then this morning dropped all the way to 8.

So today, after her Chemo treatment, she will have to do more Platlet and Hemoglobin transfusion. They will have to test her again tonight to see if shes keeping them. If not, more transfusions tomorrow.

I will keep everyone as up to date as possible. But today and the next two days are probably going to be very tough for Kenz.

Night and Day

What i thought and hoped wouldnt happen....happened.

McKenzie did great all day yesterday (thursday) after her first full Chemo treatment. I was suprised that she didnt get sick and hurting like the nurses said she would. So i thought we were in the clear. For a moment i even forgot she was sick.

But that all changed today (Friday). Of course she woke up every 1/2 hour to go potty. Thats kinda been the norm for the past few days since there pumping her with 120ml of fluid each hour. And all of her Doctors came in to check her vitals and check the post at 6am like they always do which usually wakes Kenzie up and makes her stay up for the rest of the morning.

Today was different though. She didnt want to wake up. She went right back to sleep everytime she was woken up.
That raised the first red flag for me, but i was hoping she was just exhausted like the rest of us and she would get a few extra hours of sleep. So she slept in until 9:30.
She woke up cranky like she always does. And she said she had to go potty right away. But it wasnt until Grandma came into the room that i knew today would be different. She wasnt as excited as she typically is when Grandmas here. She was extra whiney, actually complained about pain, and overall just didnt seem like Kenzie.

Thats when i knew the Chemo had taken its toll on her.
The whole day was pretty tough. She refused to take her medicine everytime we tried giving it to her. She didnt want to go to the playroom right away. Didnt want the T.V. on. Wasnt hungry. And had a hard time keeping her eyes open. Of course whenever she doesnt feel good it turns into a "I want Daddy" day (which i love btw).

She also seemed to be a little more pale and her mouth turned white. All the side effects they warned us about, that i thought we made it past, were here today.

It got to the point in the afternoon that she was sooooo tired and cranky that her and I had to sit down for a little talk. Ill show you how the conversation went in movie script fashion.

Me: Whats wrong sweetie? Are you in pain?
Kenz: i dont know Dad. No im not hurting.
Me: Are you tired?
Kenz: Nooo Daddy!
Me: Well then whats wrong baby? Why are you so cranky?
Kenz: I dont know Dad. I just am. I dont know why.
Me: Well can you not be cranky and be happy and play and have fun today?
Kenz: No Daddy! I just cant be happy. I dont want to play. I dont know why. I just dont want to be happy.

It went on like that for awhile. And it was killing me because it was a complete 180 from yesterday. I knew she couldnt help it. But she couldnt understand why she was feeling this way. She couldnt figure out why she was cranky, or why she was drained, or why nothing was making her smile.

I pride myself on turning her frowns upside down. But today nothing i was doing was working. Telling her shes sick and thats why she cant control these feelings doesnt work because in Kenzies mind.... She doesnt feel sick anymore. It was hard. Hard for all of us, especially Grandma who saw this happy go lucky little girl that just had surgery 18 hours before arriving yesterday. And now she had to see a confused little girl that couldnt figure out why she was acting the way she was.

This is what my princess will be like after Chemo for the next few years. Confused. Cranky. Drained. Emotional. And not Kenzie. But its just like i told her today... Its ok if she doesnt want to talk to Daddy for a little bit. Its ok if you want to just lay in bed by yourself. And its ok if you are cranky and dont know why. Because your getting better. Wether you feel sick or not. Your getting better.

Now i just have to lay here tonight and hope my sweet sweet kenzo is back tomorrow. Stealing hearts, giving lovies, and telling everyone they are her best friend. Because thats what she does best. And thats what her heart is fighting this medicine for.

She will be back. But her cancer will not. Already after 1 day of Chemo, her Leukemia cells went from 56% on her blood slide, down to 28%. Her red blood count went from 9.1 last night to 10.7 this morning which means she producing it herself again. Her platlets did go down alot today. But the docs kinda figured that would happen. So another transfusion is in the near future. We'll check her blood again Saturday morning and hopefully the results will come back and tell us that her Leukemia cells went even further down. Ill
make sure to post it on her as soon as i find out.

Sorry if this post is a little scattered. I think ive finally hit my wall, and can barely keep my eyes open. So im off to bed for broken sleep all night.....again. :)

Until next time. Good night.