How to Make a Grown Man Cry

When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.
- Marcus Aurelius

Im begining to think that everytime something good happens in my life...there is something else waiting around the corner to make me sad again.

We went to UC Davis for Chemo treatments on Friday the 8th. I had been waiting patiently (not really all that patiently) for her lab results to find out if the treatments were working and that Kenzie was in Remission. Ive had dreams about it nearly every night when i was finally able to sleep. And in my dreams, she was happy and healthy and Leukemia free.
We got the results we were hoping for. It wont be an absolute positivity until we do a bone marrow draw in two weeks, but atleast they couldnt see any Leukemia in her blood draw or from the lumbar puncture.

For the first time in nearly two weeks, i let out a sigh of relief and felt "happy". Im so proud of my little girl for being such a fighter. And in all honesty, if you never met McKenzie, you might not think shes sick at all. Shes pale, but hey its winter...were all a little light skinned these months. Shes got chubby cheeks and a little belly for the first time since she was born (thanks to the steroids and her uncontrolable appetite these days). She lacks energy and doesnt really want to get out of bed, but people would probably just think she had a cold. Hell even i have a hard time believing shes got this horrible disease running through her veins.

That is....until Saturday afternoon.

McKenzie used to love taking baths. She would play in the water until her whole body looked as wrinkled as a 90 yr old woman. It didnt matter if the water was cold. She would play and play until being forced to get out.
Since the Leukemia reared its ugly face, that has all changed. She hates it now. I dont know if its just because shes afraid of her bandages falling off, or if she doesnt want to get her port wet, or the fact that most days she doesnt want to get out of bed for any reason at all. She just hates it. She'll cry and tell me she just doesnt want to take a bath and tell me her feeties dont smell bad. But i had to give her one on Saturday (her feeties DID smell that bad).

I got her water ready. Not to hot. Not to cold. I put her in the bath and washed her like i always do. We giggled that her belly button was starting to stick out a little bit since her belly is growing. And i scrubbed those little feet until i knew they were smell free. It was all going ok.

Then it was time to wash her hair. Her long beautiful hair. I started with her shampoo. Lathered it up in my palms and ran my hands through her curls. Its always kind of fun to clean her hair because when the shampoo is on her head, you get to see how long her hair really is. We rinsed her head off. Me telling her "head back" as i always do. With my hands still a little soapy, i grabbed the conditioner and put a dime sized drop onto my hands. I ran my hands through her hair once again to make it silky smooth. Same routine we've done so many times.

Then i heard... "Daddy whats wrong"?

Im not really sure how much time had passed between me rinsing her hair and her asking me that question. I was just frozen. With tears streaming down my face. Staring at the beautiful strands of hair that were intangled in my fingers. No longer attached to her head. But wrapped around my fingers like a spider web.

Of course i wiped the tears from my face and told her everything was perfect. That i was just crying because of how absolutly beautiful she looked. But inside, my heart was throbbing. Ive been holding onto the hopes that she wouldnt lose her hair. That she could keep the thing that made her feel comfortable while this disease was hurting all of her body. And now those hopes were being sucked down the drain of the bathtub.

Brushing her hair was just as hard. As a guy that chooses to shave his head, im not that great at doing her hair. I can do pony tails, buns, and the occasional braid if im feeling confident that day. But that confidence is gone now. Im terrified that the more i brush, the more that comes out. And it does. Even putting her hair into a quick ponytail left strands all over my hands.

So just when i think everything is going right and im floating on cloud 9... I get knocked back down to earth and realize this is far from over. The tears are far from drying up. And my princess is far from giving up.

The hardest part of this whole thing for me is knowing i cant do something ive done for the past three years. I cant just kiss the boo-boo and make it all better. But what i can, and will do, is kiss her everyday. And that my friends...will make both of us all better.

I love you McKenzie Rose.

Home is where the Heart is

You hear the expression alot, "Home is where the Heart is". But for my family it has become so true.

UC Davis was great to us and im glad we decided to go there. Im just so happy we are finally out of there and back to what were familiar with. Our home. Our town. Our friends. That expression has a whole new meaning for us. Its not just our house. Its South Lake Tahoe...and everyone in it. Its our work...and co workers. And its our bed...and dogs we've missedso much.

It felt weird driving away from Sacramento. A place we had to call home for 2 weeks. A place were good news and bad news came from every angle. And a place where we were treated like family while we were there. Unfortunatly we will be back way to soon. Every week for the next 9 months. But its for a good reason...to help McKenzie stay on the path to 0%. 0% of Leukemia and 100% of being a kid again.

Theres no greater feeling than driving over Echo Summit and seeing the Lake open up. Seeing the airport in the distance. And trading green grass for white snow. Locals are probably the only ones that get that tingle in your heart when you see it. Wether you've been gone for 1 day or 2 weeks.....theres nothing quite like it.

Its a little scary being this far away from the hospital. Theres so many things that could go wrong and so many things we have to be careful of. If she gets a fever, we have to rush to the hospital. If she gets a cold, its to the hospital we go. If one of US gets sick, we have to keep our distance from her. And we've had to put a bottle of hand sanitizer in every room of the house.

But atleast were here. Home. In Kenzies comfort zone. Not being woken up by doctors and nurses every half hour. Close to all the people we love. And close to where our heart is.

Kenzies Lab Results:
As of Friday...
Red Blood cells - 10.4
White Blood Cells - 1.0
Platlets - 40
Leukemia Cells - 3%

She had Chemo on Thursday and another Spinal Tap on friday. We wont get Lab results back until next Friday... So hopefully because she had Chemo again, we will get to the 0%.
Thank you for all the continued support and prayers.

Until next time. We love you all.

The story of How:

Ive been asked a few times how we figured out that Kenzie had Leukemia. So i thought id light the campfire, get the marshmellows out, and tell yall the story of How.

McKenzie has always been a very picky eater. Her favorite food by far is Chicken Nuggets. And on most nights it didnt matter if i had made the best steak in the world... She would want Chicken Nuggies instead.
But over the week leading up to all this, she hadnt really had an appetite. She would maybe take a couple bites of dinner on her own before id eventually have to force her to eat more. So it was a little strange, but not a complete red flag yet.

As the week progressed, she started to lose the color in her face a little and wasnt as happy as she usually is.
Side Note: McKenzie is definitely my child. I know this because i am by no means a morning person. If Meeks would let me start at 10am, id be a happy guy.
Kenzie hates mornings. She hates to wake up, hates getting dressed, and trys to hide under the covers. We literally have to turn on all the lights and tickle her to get her awake. And then once she is awake, she doesnt want anyone to talk to her for atleast an hour. Debbie (her daycare owner) can atest to that.
So back to the story: usually after an hour or so at daycare she would be bouncing off the walls and running around with her friends Isabella and Tyler. But Debbie told us she wasnt like that on Wed. She was just kind of lathargic. Every kid has there off days just like adults. So again, no major red flags.

Kenz started Dance class at Mrs. Marcias Shinning Stars this year and absolutly loves it. Dance runs in the family (my mom and sister Jessica own a dance studio in Michigan; my sister Jenny was in dance back when they called it pom pons and was also on the Michigan State Motion Dance team in college; Jessica also danced for the Detroit Pistons and was a stage Dancer for Boys II Men at a Detroit Lions Thanksgiving game; my sister Julia has won every award imaginable in competitions and is by far the best dancer of the family; my sister Amanda crushed it at every reciteal i saw her in; and even yours truley took dance as a little lad (and i can still do a mean toe touch)) so she jumped into it head first and never looked back. She likes it so much that she made me start taking her 2 days a week instead of 1 day every week like at the begining of the year. So on Wednesday when we took her to dance and she didnt want to dance, it concerned us. I thought she was maybe just getting tired of dance at first, but then we started peicing it all together.
We thought we'd give her one more day to see if she just in a funk, or if it got worse.
Thursday we woke up and she was even more pale. Same story at daycare...no energy. Then at home she was in "I want Daddy" mode. So we agreed that she needed to go to the doctor on Friday.

Misty took her in at 1:30 on Friday to see Doctor Brooks Martin at Tahoe Family. He thought that she was just Anemic and told Mit she might need a blood transfusion. So i met them at the Barton E.R.
They drew some blood and checked her vitals. At that point we were terrified that she might have to have a transfusion...but we thought that was the worst of it. When the doctor came into the room, he instantly did a double take when looking at Kenzie. He sat down and asked us when we first noticed she was pale. Then he said something ill never forget. "I'm going to tell you that i dont believe she is just Anemic. Were sending her blood off to the labs to have some tests run. And were going to be checking her for Leukemia. We should have the results back in an hour or so, and i will come back and let you know".

I kept thinking to myself, theres no way she has that. Hes just telling us the worst case scenario. Shes gonna be fine. This doesnt happen to my family.

The Doc came back into the room 15 minutes later and sat down. I was screaming inside my brain "Dont you dare tell me she has it. Dont you dare lie to me and tell me my baby has THAT"!
He told us he didnt have to wait for the results to come back. He was 99% sure she had Leukemia because of how low her Red blood cells were and how high her White cells were.

I wanted to throw up. Throw up my heart because it was stuck in my throat. I didnt want to believe what he said. I wanted to wait for the results and for that doctor to come apologize and tell us he was wrong and was sorry. But that didnt happen. The results came back. He was right. The ambulance was on its way to take her down to UC Davis to start treatment.

The rest of that night was pretty much a blur. I went and got some clothes for All of us and fed the dogs. I called my parents and my sister Jen and cried over and over again. By the end of the night my eyes hurt and i was dehydrated from crying so much.

Misty and Kenz rode down to UC Davis in the ambulance. I drove the truck down right after the ambulance pulled away from the hospital. I have no idea how long it took me to drive down, what music was playing, or who i talked to on the phone. Alls i could picture was my pale babys face, and the word Cancer floating around in my brain. By the time i got to UC Davis, they were already in the room and had the IV going. The last thing i can recall from that night was kissing McKenzie on her forehead and passing out from complete exhaustion.

A few days later i created this blog your reading today at my sister Jen's request. And that brings us to right now.

So thats the story of How. Doctors still cant pinpoint what the exact cause of A.L.L. is. And at this point it doesnt really matter to me. What matters is my daughter is beating this nightmare, and soon we will all wake up and this horrible dream will be over with.

P.S. Kenz had chemo again today. Took it like a champ. Labs came back and her Red Blood is at 10.4
White Blood is at 1.0
And platlets at 40.
No results from Leukemia % until tomorrow morning. So i will post it when i get it. Hopefully it will be a big fat zero and we can all shed tears of joy.

Until next time..... I love you all.