How to Make a Grown Man Cry

When you arise in the morning, think of what a precious privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to think, to enjoy, to love.
- Marcus Aurelius

Im begining to think that everytime something good happens in my life...there is something else waiting around the corner to make me sad again.

We went to UC Davis for Chemo treatments on Friday the 8th. I had been waiting patiently (not really all that patiently) for her lab results to find out if the treatments were working and that Kenzie was in Remission. Ive had dreams about it nearly every night when i was finally able to sleep. And in my dreams, she was happy and healthy and Leukemia free.
We got the results we were hoping for. It wont be an absolute positivity until we do a bone marrow draw in two weeks, but atleast they couldnt see any Leukemia in her blood draw or from the lumbar puncture.

For the first time in nearly two weeks, i let out a sigh of relief and felt "happy". Im so proud of my little girl for being such a fighter. And in all honesty, if you never met McKenzie, you might not think shes sick at all. Shes pale, but hey its winter...were all a little light skinned these months. Shes got chubby cheeks and a little belly for the first time since she was born (thanks to the steroids and her uncontrolable appetite these days). She lacks energy and doesnt really want to get out of bed, but people would probably just think she had a cold. Hell even i have a hard time believing shes got this horrible disease running through her veins.

That is....until Saturday afternoon.

McKenzie used to love taking baths. She would play in the water until her whole body looked as wrinkled as a 90 yr old woman. It didnt matter if the water was cold. She would play and play until being forced to get out.
Since the Leukemia reared its ugly face, that has all changed. She hates it now. I dont know if its just because shes afraid of her bandages falling off, or if she doesnt want to get her port wet, or the fact that most days she doesnt want to get out of bed for any reason at all. She just hates it. She'll cry and tell me she just doesnt want to take a bath and tell me her feeties dont smell bad. But i had to give her one on Saturday (her feeties DID smell that bad).

I got her water ready. Not to hot. Not to cold. I put her in the bath and washed her like i always do. We giggled that her belly button was starting to stick out a little bit since her belly is growing. And i scrubbed those little feet until i knew they were smell free. It was all going ok.

Then it was time to wash her hair. Her long beautiful hair. I started with her shampoo. Lathered it up in my palms and ran my hands through her curls. Its always kind of fun to clean her hair because when the shampoo is on her head, you get to see how long her hair really is. We rinsed her head off. Me telling her "head back" as i always do. With my hands still a little soapy, i grabbed the conditioner and put a dime sized drop onto my hands. I ran my hands through her hair once again to make it silky smooth. Same routine we've done so many times.

Then i heard... "Daddy whats wrong"?

Im not really sure how much time had passed between me rinsing her hair and her asking me that question. I was just frozen. With tears streaming down my face. Staring at the beautiful strands of hair that were intangled in my fingers. No longer attached to her head. But wrapped around my fingers like a spider web.

Of course i wiped the tears from my face and told her everything was perfect. That i was just crying because of how absolutly beautiful she looked. But inside, my heart was throbbing. Ive been holding onto the hopes that she wouldnt lose her hair. That she could keep the thing that made her feel comfortable while this disease was hurting all of her body. And now those hopes were being sucked down the drain of the bathtub.

Brushing her hair was just as hard. As a guy that chooses to shave his head, im not that great at doing her hair. I can do pony tails, buns, and the occasional braid if im feeling confident that day. But that confidence is gone now. Im terrified that the more i brush, the more that comes out. And it does. Even putting her hair into a quick ponytail left strands all over my hands.

So just when i think everything is going right and im floating on cloud 9... I get knocked back down to earth and realize this is far from over. The tears are far from drying up. And my princess is far from giving up.

The hardest part of this whole thing for me is knowing i cant do something ive done for the past three years. I cant just kiss the boo-boo and make it all better. But what i can, and will do, is kiss her everyday. And that my friends...will make both of us all better.

I love you McKenzie Rose.