Night and Day

What i thought and hoped wouldnt happen....happened.

McKenzie did great all day yesterday (thursday) after her first full Chemo treatment. I was suprised that she didnt get sick and hurting like the nurses said she would. So i thought we were in the clear. For a moment i even forgot she was sick.

But that all changed today (Friday). Of course she woke up every 1/2 hour to go potty. Thats kinda been the norm for the past few days since there pumping her with 120ml of fluid each hour. And all of her Doctors came in to check her vitals and check the post at 6am like they always do which usually wakes Kenzie up and makes her stay up for the rest of the morning.

Today was different though. She didnt want to wake up. She went right back to sleep everytime she was woken up.
That raised the first red flag for me, but i was hoping she was just exhausted like the rest of us and she would get a few extra hours of sleep. So she slept in until 9:30.
She woke up cranky like she always does. And she said she had to go potty right away. But it wasnt until Grandma came into the room that i knew today would be different. She wasnt as excited as she typically is when Grandmas here. She was extra whiney, actually complained about pain, and overall just didnt seem like Kenzie.

Thats when i knew the Chemo had taken its toll on her.
The whole day was pretty tough. She refused to take her medicine everytime we tried giving it to her. She didnt want to go to the playroom right away. Didnt want the T.V. on. Wasnt hungry. And had a hard time keeping her eyes open. Of course whenever she doesnt feel good it turns into a "I want Daddy" day (which i love btw).

She also seemed to be a little more pale and her mouth turned white. All the side effects they warned us about, that i thought we made it past, were here today.

It got to the point in the afternoon that she was sooooo tired and cranky that her and I had to sit down for a little talk. Ill show you how the conversation went in movie script fashion.

Me: Whats wrong sweetie? Are you in pain?
Kenz: i dont know Dad. No im not hurting.
Me: Are you tired?
Kenz: Nooo Daddy!
Me: Well then whats wrong baby? Why are you so cranky?
Kenz: I dont know Dad. I just am. I dont know why.
Me: Well can you not be cranky and be happy and play and have fun today?
Kenz: No Daddy! I just cant be happy. I dont want to play. I dont know why. I just dont want to be happy.

It went on like that for awhile. And it was killing me because it was a complete 180 from yesterday. I knew she couldnt help it. But she couldnt understand why she was feeling this way. She couldnt figure out why she was cranky, or why she was drained, or why nothing was making her smile.

I pride myself on turning her frowns upside down. But today nothing i was doing was working. Telling her shes sick and thats why she cant control these feelings doesnt work because in Kenzies mind.... She doesnt feel sick anymore. It was hard. Hard for all of us, especially Grandma who saw this happy go lucky little girl that just had surgery 18 hours before arriving yesterday. And now she had to see a confused little girl that couldnt figure out why she was acting the way she was.

This is what my princess will be like after Chemo for the next few years. Confused. Cranky. Drained. Emotional. And not Kenzie. But its just like i told her today... Its ok if she doesnt want to talk to Daddy for a little bit. Its ok if you want to just lay in bed by yourself. And its ok if you are cranky and dont know why. Because your getting better. Wether you feel sick or not. Your getting better.

Now i just have to lay here tonight and hope my sweet sweet kenzo is back tomorrow. Stealing hearts, giving lovies, and telling everyone they are her best friend. Because thats what she does best. And thats what her heart is fighting this medicine for.

She will be back. But her cancer will not. Already after 1 day of Chemo, her Leukemia cells went from 56% on her blood slide, down to 28%. Her red blood count went from 9.1 last night to 10.7 this morning which means she producing it herself again. Her platlets did go down alot today. But the docs kinda figured that would happen. So another transfusion is in the near future. We'll check her blood again Saturday morning and hopefully the results will come back and tell us that her Leukemia cells went even further down. Ill
make sure to post it on her as soon as i find out.

Sorry if this post is a little scattered. I think ive finally hit my wall, and can barely keep my eyes open. So im off to bed for broken sleep all night.....again. :)

Until next time. Good night.