It's hard not to think about all the things that could go wrong tomorrow. I try to be a very optomistic person, but everytime i close my eyes, it runs through my head. What if something goes wrong? What then? But thats not even whats bugging me the most tonight.
I want you, everyone reading this post, to think about this next section. Think about how you would handle this situation im about to present to you. And try to come up with an answer. A real answer. Im not sure if theres a right or wrong answer. But im racking my brain to come up with a better idea than what i did. So here it is:
How do you tell a 3 yr old girl...who is your everything...whos beautiful...and smart... That in a few days, she is going to lose all her hair. To tell her that this "sickness" is going to make her hair fall out in clumps. To explain that Daddy is going to have to shave her head?
Its killing me. Right now at this very moment, i have tears streaming down my face. Its final hitting me. All of this bullshit she is having to go thru is finally filtering into my brain. And i had to tell her that her beautiful hair is going to be gone soon.
She looked at me in horror. She knew Daddy was having a hard time fighting back tears. So she gave me a hug. But i had to tell her what was going to happen. I couldnt just let her wake up in a few days and half her hair was missing. I couldnt do that to her. So i tried explaining it the best i could. I told her that she was going to have to get medicine that might make her a little sick. A little tired. And a little grumpy. And that it was ok. I understood if she didnt want to talk to Daddy some days.
I tried making light of it. I explained that Daddy was going to have to cut her hair and she was going to have the same haircut as Daddy and Grandpa Lee. But we would have hats and things to put on her head if she didnt want to show her new hair cut some days.
She cried. Looking at me in the eyes...crying. She said " I dont want my hair to be all gone Daddy. I dont want your haircut. I want my hair still. Why is my hair going to be all gone"? My heart ripped in 2. I couldnt respond right away. I just wanted to hold her and tell her everything would be ok and she wasnt going to lose her hair and daddy was just joking. But i couldnt. I had to tell her the truth. So i told her it didnt matter if she had short hair, long, curly, purple, green, pink or no hair.... She would still be Gorgeous. And she will be. And Daddy is going to Bic his head when i have to do her's so shes not alone. Because shes not alone. I will always be here to do what it takes to make her more comfortable. Because thats what Daddy's do.
But there it is. The hardest conversation i never thought id have to have. Did i do the right thing? I dont know. Ill never know really. What i do know is that this hellish nightmare ive been dreaming for the past 4 days, has finally become a reality.
I continue to pray for McKenzies safety tomorrow. I pray that everything goes as planned. And i pray that this will all be over soon. With the outcome she deserves. To be a little girl again. The bouncing ball of giggles and smiles that shes always been. And i pray that until the day God says its time for ME to go, i can see my angel's face everyday.
Everyone please pray at 12:30 PST wed Jan 23rd for my daughter. Pray extra hard. I need my baby to come back to me. Back to me with that smile that sucks anyone shes ever met in... And makes them love her forever.
Thank you.
You are doing an amazing job cuz! You did a great job explaining, honestly, to your little girl what she is going to be experiencing. Words can not express how proud we are of you and the strength to stay upbeat is exaxtly what she needs. I promise we will pray very long and hard today! Harder then we have ever prayed in our life's! I know it is tough being this far away from you, but feel all of your extended families love & support in your heart. I am here if you need ANYTHING!
ReplyDeleteGreg 802-233-6012
You did right Tim by telling her the truth. I think even as young as she is she needs to know what is going to happen in terms she can understand. I talked to my mom abt this, I hope you don't mind, as she has been thru this. She said when my sister was in the hospital she used to go in the bathroom and just cry, get it all out and then go back to my sister and be strong. She said that you need to take care of you bc you are the one who needs to be strong for Kenzie. She said try and go outside at least once a day to get fresh air and don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it. She said most hospitals hv like social workers who can help. Another thing to look into after Kensie's treatment is done is Make a Wish. It's a wonderful organization and after all the treatments are done and she's better...bc I know she will beat this...it will be something fun and magical and wonderful for just her! They sent our whole family to Hawaii for a week, that was my sisters wish, and after the months of hospitalizations, surgeries, and being seperated as a family it was so wonderful and relaxing. I'll be thinking abt you and you and Kenzie are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteOh Tim, your heartache is palpable. You did the best thing a father can do; be honest with your daughter, support and love her. We will continue to pray until the day she comes home, then we will pray some more. Your inherent strength will serve you well as you face this battle head-on. We love you!
ReplyDeleteThe decisions we make as parents aren't always the easiest or the funnest (if that's a word). But they are very important. And the decision you made, as a father to a beautiful little girl, was absolutely the right one. We never know what to expect out of the hours ahead, so we prepare ourselves for anything. Your daughter will thank you for all that you've done for her and they way you held her hand and stood by her side thru it all. I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteHi Tim, this is Rachel. Shan just sent me the link about your daughter. I'm sooo unbelievably sorry that you guys have to go through this. I can't imagine how painful it is for you and her. I just wanted to let you know that I've often thght abt you and i will be praying for you and her and your family. I know that you are a very strong person and she is so lucky to have you as a father. You are doing and saying all the things to her and she IS gonna grow up to be a wonderful person. Always remember that i am here if you ever need anything. Whether we've talked or not. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteRachel :)